My Vipassana Experience
What is it and is it for you?
Pre Silence
You may wonder – What is a Vipassana Experience? I certainly did when my friend said to me “I just came back from an amazing Vipassana in Japan”. “Ok! And what might that be? She went on to explain it is a ten-day retreat of noble silence and meditation. I was surprised that this concept was appealing to me. If you were to know me you would know, I am not shy and typically am fully engaged in life and in interactions with people. However, I felt at that moment with great conviction that a Vipassana is exactly what the universe ordered for me at this time.
Vipassana is one of India’s most ancient meditation techniques. Long lost to humanity. It was rediscovered by Gautama the Buddha more than 2500 years ago. Vipassana means seeing things as they really are. It is a process of self-purification by self observation. The Vipassana’s today are taught through the teachings of S.N. Goenka. He was a Burmese Indian teacher, died in Sept of 2013 at 89 years of age. He became an influential teacher and established meditation centers worldwide. *More on Goenka’s philosophy and teaching can be found on the internet.
I knew this was possible for me, for the past three years, I have found meditation beneficial and have enjoyed peaceful walks on the beach with my dogs and have found my self-cherishing my solitude. I would find myself going “within” finding stillness while floating in the rock pools, watching the sunset or just sitting on the waters edge. I set out to meditate every day diligently, sometimes more successful than others. Point is I set out; I had the intent to sit quiet, calm the mind and not think! I can do this, I told my self with clear conviction.
I was to take this time off from the world and go “within” for a ten full days, no talking, no internet, no phone not even permitted to make eye contact with anyone and the worst thing is I can’t even write in my journal. My journal has been my “spiritual buddy” and is where I have worked out “my stuff.” I have written in them now quite earnestly since the age of 23, when I was venturing out into the cold, cruel, glorious world. What would I feel to be quiet for ten days? I was intrigued with the thought and wondered what would surface. I felt going “within” would be more interesting to me at that point than going anywhere else in the world. I also wanted to see if the constant buzzing in the base of my head would get stronger or perhaps dissipate with the lack of stimulation and noble silence. This “buzzing”, I have noticed ever since I chose to be aware and make mediation a part of my daily life. Perhaps it has always been there and I was just too preoccupied to take notice.
I had met a girl, from South Africa who had also signed up for the same Vipassana at the foothills of the Chirripo Mountain in Costa Rica. The hosting site of Finca Mia was a long ten hours away and we had to take a bus, a ferry and shuttles across the gulf of Nicoya and along dirt roads of the valleys and mountains to reach our destination. Laney, my South African friend has attended 3 Vipassanas, being a veteran of the practice she knew what to expect. Me, I was a little naïve and truly had no idea. On the bus she was already getting into what I referred to as a “Vipassana mode”. Gazing out the window, blank stare and not a peep from her sweet little lips. I shall miss her lovely accent a combination of South African and proper English. I imagined it being strange not to acknowledge or make eye contact with my tall slender beautiful friend with the most stunning streak of grey hair off to one side of her face framing it like a precious Renoir painting. At age 30, she has redefined grey hair from representing “old” to being stunning. I always thought of grey as representing wisdom and not age anyways. I am twenty years older than Laney and still waiting for the beautiful grey hair and the wisdom for that matter.
We were told to pack warmly, socks, sleeping bags, sweaters and pants. For the past six years I have been living 24/7 in a bathing suit and a pair of cutoff blue jeans, toes not feeling socks for months or even years at a time. The heat down at the beach where I live can be stifling, day after day after day of sunshine. Believe it or not, sunny beach days can get old. I was looking forward to feeling the chilliness and crispness of the mountain air. Trouble was finding the socks, the sleeping bag and all the other things that would make me cozy on those long silent nights. All of my cold weather “cozies” had been packed somewhere in storage since my move to Costa Rica six years ago. I found my socks with holes eaten from bugs, how the pesky insects got in the plastic container is a mystery to me. Sleeping bags and clothes smelled of mold and had mold stains and the shoes I was going to wear rotted. Yes rotted, the soles had disintegrated. Apparently I had a lot to learn about storing things successfully in the tropics. I Fixed and washed what I could and realized a few holes and mold stains would be just fine on this journey within.
We finally arrived at Finca Mia and I am delighted to feel the slight chill and smell the mountain fresh air. I had a large suitcase and a small carry on bag. The large suitcase did not house designer clothing or a hairdryer, as it once would back in my “former life” in America. Along with being cozy my other focus was packing what I thought might make the most comfortable “meditation throne.” I had packed 2 pillows, a sheep fleece, a sleeping bag, a blanket, fuzzy slippers, mold stained bathrobe & a pair of Merrill hiking shoes that have not seen the light of day in 6 years. Surprisingly, my clothing for ten long days, fit into my small carry bag.
A friendly man greeted us and offered to carry my heavy suitcase. We were directed to a wooden building with a welcoming front porch. “Please check in here and then I will show you to your cabin,” he says in broken English. Laney was still in “Vipassana” mode being sure not to make acquaintances with anyone there. “It is better not to know any one or hear anyone’s story or emotional baggage,” she advised, “the mind doesn’t need more distractions.” My attention went to an older woman who was with us on the bus; she is very sleek and chic, dressed in black and in my perception, that lady had style. She had a long grey braid worn off to one side, cool sunglasses and pep in her step. Of course me being me, we exchanged names, her name is Fay and she is a classical guitar professor originally from New York now living in Costa Rica. I broke one of Laney’s rules, I exchanged information, I had distracting details. I guess it’s not my rule because I don’t know enough to have rules yet. We exchanged pleasantries while we wait to sign in. Its my turn, I walked up to the desk they ask for my cellphone and anything else I would like to leave with them for safe keeping. I give them my passport, my money and my beloved cell phone. Hell, why not I then take off my watch and my eyeglasses too. I don’t need to tell time or read anything for a whole ten days. I even take out Tinkerbelle – my dental appliance (yes my dental appliance has a name) and only a hand full of special people in my life knows of, until now! I am down to the bare essentials, the clothes on my back and what ever lies “within”.
Laney goes off to her cabin, being her fourth Vipassana, now a “Veteran-Vipassananian” I shall dub her. As a return student she had three additional rules over what the first timers must abide to. The return students have to –
- abstain from eating after midday,
- abstain from sensual entertainment & bodily decoration.
- abstain from Luxurious bedding.
As first time “Vipassaner” I had five rules to abide by – Besides the known rule of noble silence. We are to adhere to the following rules.
- abstain from killing any being. (this meant basically critters and bugs, other killings is just another known not to do, I would like to think.)
- abstain from stealing
- abstain from sexual activity
- abstain from telling lies
- abstain from all intoxicants.
Not a problem I can abide by the rules. I have stopped my nightly consumption of wine, I have no interest in lying, having sex or stealing. Killing? Does this mean the pesky little mosquito that may land on you and suck your blood and leave you there to itch? Yes it does! We are to brush away any insects that come in for the kill. Each room comes nicely equipped with a bug catching device (a cup and a piece of cardboard).
The nice man took my suitcase and threw it over his shoulder. “Sigueme,” he said. His hand gesture suggested I follow him. I am led through a green house type structure with vegetable and flower gardens. I was reminded of the gardens back home on Cape Cod with kale growing in raised rock beds. It was lovely and smelt divine. We continued down a very steep long set of stone steps, to a landing and down more stone steps to my cabin. I have cabin F, bed F2, I have it written on a piece of paper.
There was a single mattress on the floor as you entered on the left with a young woman lying down with the tag F3 tacked to the wall above. We exchange a polite “hola” and that is about it. We can still talk; the noble silence is not to go into effect until after dinner. “Thank goodness I was not assigned to bed F3,” I say to myself. A double bed was squeezed between the window and the bed on the floor with the tag F1 tacked to the wall. “Thank goodness I was not assigned to F1.” I felt like Goldilocks for a moment, wanting the perfect bed. F2 how perfect, a tag with F2 is on the other side of the very small cabin. The bed was in an Ell cove of windows. “How perfect,” I thought and am excited to just relax in my new place that I will call home for the next ten days. However, there were someone’s clothes on the bed and medicines on the night table. Just then, a 5 ft tall portly woman emerged from the bathroom, she had long straight black hair pressed to her head like it was ironed in place, her eyes were narrow slits but eyebrows raised, you know that look when you want to open up your eyes after a nap but just cant seem to manage. “Hola, I think this is my bed,” I said. Her smile slight with a grimace as she uttered the words “Oh, I am all settled in here, I thought the whole cabin was F1.” Did she not see the big F1 on the bed that was to be hers and the big F2 that was to be mine? I show her my piece of paper with the F2 written on it pointing to her bed F1. “ I guess I can move,” She says. “Darn,” I thought to my self, this is no way to start a ten-day retreat of noble silence and self-realization. ” I certainly did not want to realize about my self that I was selfish, privileged and not compassionate. “No worries” I said hesitantly at first then with conviction it was the right thing to do, “You stay there I will take F1, and maybe we can switch on day 5.” I was surprised at myself when I actually felt better about taking the inferior bed. Did I really need a nice little private bed tucked in a little ell cove surrounded by windows over looking the tropical paradise? Apparently not! The universe was already teaching me my lessons. I was ready to learn.
I decided to take a walk around the property to get orientated. The cabins are scattered through out the jungle and mountain foliage. I had a sense of New England with the flowers and plantings. There were blue hydrangeas I haven’t seen in years, there were impatience plants growing down by the river, and some of the trees reminded me of trees back home. I liked the combination of feeling the jungle and a little New England. It hit me that I do miss the seasons and I do miss New England.
I was looking for Laney, I found myself walking around the paths in a circle and finally found Laney’s cabin. Her cabin was down by the river, however I think they missed the rule of abstaining from luxurious bedding, her cabin was the nicest on the property. She was assigned to a private room in an adobe type structure with a gorgeous outside bathroom with tropical plants and flowers growing right there next to the commode. Her bed looked way too comfortable for a returning, “Veteran Vipassaner.” I had cabin envy for a brief moment; I caught myself in that instant and felt at peace once again. Another lesson the Universe wanted me to grasp. Gee, just here one hour and already having to look “within” and I haven’t even officially gone there. I am ok; I don’t have the best bed or the best cabin. Somehow, I feel humble and happy to have less.
Dinner Time – a bell rang, ding dong, the first of many bells to come. This would be our only dinner. Daily meals would consist of vegetarian breakfasts and lunches with tea and fruit at the dinner hour. The hall is a wooden and stone structure with three walls and the fourth mostly open to where the river runs. The river was roaring loudly and running strong. I entered the hall and saw Laney seated at a small table for one and staring out the window. A few tables for one were placed facing the windows for the veterans and the other tables sat six people. A big buffet table with a delightful assortment of vegetarian dishes was the focus of the hall. We had our assigned seating; mine was facing the buffet table. There are about forty women ranging in ages 20 – 70 I would venture to guess. I am seated with a young girl who I thought resembled a female version Waldo from “Where’s Waldo”, tall with a funky hat, sandals with tall knee high striped socks, she was seated to the right of me at the end of the table. Across from me is another young girl, the same girl assigned to the floor in my cabin; she is a Costa Rican girl with a blank stare. We have minimal conversation and I find out that they are both in their twenties. The girl seated to my right says “its time to go within”. I was impressed, wanting to look within at such a young age is certainly commendable. My roommate sat across from me is studying physical therapy. There are two other women in their late twenties seated at my table, I decided to follow Laney’s rule and didn’t exchange distracting information with them. The seat next to me on my left is empty.
There is a group of woman conversing about the difficulty of sitting in lotus posture (A crossed leg posture, look at any Buddha statue he’s got the lotus posture down) for long periods of time. One woman has a contraption of belts around her knees with padding for the back. She sits so nice and straight, legs crossed in lotus posture effortlessly. A woman was selling them. I was on it like a bear to honey; and bought one, it was well made and had “designer” embroidery. The latest in meditation fashion I presume.
I saw the resident of my lost and beloved F2 accommodation. Her eyes still slits, apparently this is her look. She came over to thank me for being so kind, I affirm it’s not a problem and I am just fine in bed F1. She asks me my name, her name is Tamya and she lives in Tambor. I told her I live in Mal Pais. We live in the same part of the Nicoya Penninsula. “How did you get here?” she asked. “I took a bus, the ferry and then a shuttle, it was brutal and I will have to take the shuttle back to San Jose stay the night in a hostel and then take the bus to Mal Pais, its is such a long and arduous journey,” I said.
“You were so nice, I am happy to give you a ride home, if you want one, I have a big car.” She replied. I thought to myself “I love the karma thing and paying attention to the lessons of the Universe.” Ding, dong the bell rings, no more could be said, its time to go mediate. “Chinese school has begun, no more talking no more fun if you show your teeth or tongue you will get a penalty,” the childhood rhyme from long ago comes to mind.
Noble Silence
The meditation hall is on the second floor of the welcome center, where we gave up our connection to the outside world. Off to the side of the porch a crooked rock staircase leads to the meditation hall. I took my place on the wooden floor in the big room; it is bright and airy with one whole wall screened in, and another two walls with windows with mountain and jungle views. In the front of the room was a wooden Bali type sofa bed. Some folks were already perched upon their meditation mats. In proper pose facing the front, back straight eyes closed hands laid upon their thighs. Some propped their bums on pillows, some had pillows under their knees, some no pillows at all. Some had blankets over them, under them or around them. This was to be our place for the next ten days, it was if each of the ladies were creating a throne to honor self or whatever they chose to honor. We had our assigned places mine was three rows back. Laney was smack dab in the front row. She had already taken her place, a simple throne of one pillow and a blanket.
My throne was a little more elaborate. I brought my fleece skin, blanket and big square pillow. I saw on the side of the room there were more pillows. Square ones, bolster type ones, blankets, I quickly snatched two more pillows and a blanket. I spent some time building my “throne”. I wanted to be comfortable and be able to sit still for as long as I was asked to. I placed my big square pillow first and arranged my fleecy nicely on top for extra comfort I wedged extra pillows between my bum and my fleece. I wrapped myself in my blanket with the other blanket folded up to support my feet. There, I am all set to meditate; I have my throne fit for a queen. I am ready to see what lies with in. I fold one leg up and then forcefully I pull the other leg up trying to sit in the best-crossed leg posture I could get myself into. I am ready to meditate.
I see in front of me and to the right Fay, the woman I made a connection with at the welcoming desk. I notice her beautiful long braid is now worn on the back of her head and not on the side. I imagined her playing the guitar. I notice another woman sitting on a bolster like a horse. Should I have grabbed a bolster? Should I sit on my knees, should I too ride the bolster like a horse? I like Jay’s braid worn off to the side better! Oh my –the mind is active and I am not even having conversation with anyone but my self.
A young woman and a young man wearing angel white attire enter walking as if their feet did not touch the floor. They seem to float along as they enter and take their place on the Bali sofa in a full perfect lotus posture; they have the Buddha thing down.
All of a sudden, chanting was heard. They had a recording that would play S.N. Goenka’s chanting and meditation lessons. Not ever hearing him nor knowing what to expect, I was surprised to say the least over the chanting that sounded like a cross between a bullfrog and Yoda from Star Wars. I giggled to my self and then falling into the chanting was mesmerized by the sound and comforted by it. I have no idea how long this chanting lasted; I have no idea of time. I am in a timeless space. Then Goenka would give simple instructions on breath awareness, feeling the breath enter and exit through the nostrils. That’s it, no more no less. This was my duty for the duration of this “sit”. Simple enough! I sat. I became aware of the breath and my mind wandered. I wiggled to the left; I wiggled to the right, I wiggled forward and backward. My carefully constructed throne did not stop me from feeling cramped and uncomfortable from sitting in the upright crossed legged posture for the length of the meditation. I peek through my eyelids at the other women. How can they sit so still? So perfectly erect? I chose not to wear my designer mediation-sitting contraption; I wanted to see how I would do with out it. It was apparent at this first sit I will sport my new contraption of meditation fashion next time.
The peace that emanates throughout a room full of other meditators is, with lack of another other word, “peaceful”. I felt in total peace, despite the aches and pains in my body from trying to sit in stillness. I had nothing to worry about, I left it all behind. I had taken care of everything I needed to before I came here. I left my house and dogs well taken care of back at home with my houseguest. I can’t say my mind did not wander to my new little Chihuahua puppy 4 months old, named Lucy Lou, is she missing me? Will a hawk eat her or even a snake? What about the house? Will algae overtake the pool? Will there be enough sun for electricity? What if the generator doesn’t start? What if the water pump doesn’t pump? What if the dogs eat the local chickens? What if nearby pit-bull tears my dogs throat apart? Oh my, did I tell the girl who is going to walk the dogs, not to walk on the beach until 7:30 am, or the pack of Rhodesian Ridge back dogs that go for their early morning walk will basically kill my dogs on site? I am amused that the thoughts I have now are not the thoughts of a upper-middle class house wife of America. After all this no longer is my identity. I am now a middle aged single woman living in a surf town where the jungle meets the ocean in Costa Rica. The thoughts, the concerns, I let it all go! Peace returned. There is nothing I can do or truly want to do at this time. I was long over due for a break from the constant challenges of being a single woman, owning a house with four dogs and a cat in the jungle.
There I was in crossed legged posture, in a room full of women meditating in the foothills of the Chirripo Mountain in Costa Rica. How did I get here? My identity, before my blind leap of faith to move to Costa Rica, was a housewife and mother of two, married for twenty years and living on Cape Cod. I was a teacher of Physical Education for eleven years in an upscale private school driving a big GMC white Denali SUV. Who am I now? How did I get here, again? I had a lot to process the next ten days. What would surface? Sitting here in silence with nothing but the breath to fill my time, my existence.
Out of the silence, Goenka gurgled his mystifying chant, I jumped with a startle at first for I knew not what to expect. I knew the meditation time was to be about an hour. I sat, I meditated, my mind wandered, my mind wandered a lot. The chanting lasted for a time, again no idea how long. As he chanted his voice would fade to a soft whisper and I thought that the meditation was over, time to get up and stretch my very cramped muscles. Nope, he would start again; it was like in one of those dramatic old western movies, where the cowboy would get shot and slowly die to the ground, then rise, than finally fall. His chanting was like this and sometimes I just wanted the cowboy to finally be put to rest.
It was now dark outside, and with no talking or eye contact we all lifted ourselves from our thrones and drifted slowly to the door and made our way to our cabins. I found my way through the dark and through the green house down the long rocky staircase to my cabin. I actually found it refreshing not to make small talk and just do your thing and go to bed. It was very warm inside; I opened the window next to my bed to get some fresh air. With out words I can sense the girl on the floor being concerned about bugs coming in at night. Perhaps there was that blank stare with a hint of annoyance. Her pulling the covers over her head with a huff told me that she would like I shut the window. I reluctantly shut it and nestled into my sleeping bag and went quickly to sleep. I was exhausted; it was a very long day.
Ding dong. With each ding dong It is either time to meditate or eat. Is it time to meditate or salivate? I giggle to my self-thinking of the Pavlov Dog theory. The first bell of the day, It must be 4:00 a.m., its time to meditate. Ding dong – the girl with the bell comes again – Its now 4:20 a.m. and I am still in cozy in my sleeping bag. I emerged from my cabin in the darkness of the early morning and felt the presence of others floating off to the meditation hall. When one cannot speak, it seems the rest of the body is quiet, the step, the movements, and all mannerisms just slow down to a snail pace. I entered the hall and arranged my self on my throne of pillows and blankets, this time with my meditation belt. I strap in, pillows and blankets arranged ever so perfectly.
4:30 a.m., everyone was in “Vipassana Mode”. Our teachers entered and gravitated to their seats up on the sofa in perfect lotus posture. Goenka started his bewildering gurgling chant and gave us the day’s meditation instructions. We sat for an hour or so and then Geoenka ends the meditation with his chanting once again. Each meditation is like this, with different instructions every once in a while. Basically it is the same. While sitting in meditation one has no idea of time, there is no clock to look at to see how much time is left. I can’t help to wonder when I am going to hear out of the silence the gurgling of Geonka’s chanting to end our meditation session.
This is day #1 – after the morning meditation once again we all floated to the dining hall. The bell rings – ding-dong, it was time to “salivate.” The breakfast consisted of oatmeal, toast, fruit, chia seeds & tea. I load up my bowl and pour chia seeds atop for a little crunch. Being in a dining hall with so many women in noble silence is an odd feeling and yet I found it refreshing. To be present and not to feel like you have to come up with idle chatter to fit in or to have conversation just for the sake of being polite. Everyone is ignoring you, you’re ignoring them and its ok.
I enjoyed my breakfast and to my entertainment observed the others. What they are wearing, their gesture’s, how much food they put on their plates. WAIT! I am supposed to go within, no distractions. It is amazing how the ego mind wants to be busy, to think, to judge. It wants anything but stillness. I notice most everyone has a cloth sarong of some sort wrapped around her in some fashion or another. This I supposed is the desired meditation attire. I missed that memo! The seat next to me is now occupied; her name is Grace, I know because I read the nametag at her place setting. I noticed she walks with a flirty swagger as she sauntered to the buffet table and secretly dribbled some olive oil on her fingers and applied it ever so daintily to her face and neck. I noticed the girl across the room that has a butterfly sitting on her nose, slowly flapping it wings. I watched with no emotion and then I made eye contact and gave a small grin, after all there was a butterfly on her nose. The simple things are keeping me entertained. I see Laney actually do the forbidden and pet the cat. We were instructed at the welcoming not to pet the dog or the cat that lived on the property, it would be distracting. There was a time I made eye contact with Laney and quickly looked down at the floor as if I just committed a crime of sorts. It was very peculiar to see my dear friend and not be able to give a gentle smile. This is against the rules and I shall not do such a thing.
We have a few hours before the next meditation. I chose to walk down to the river and power walk around the grounds up the many steps made of natural rock. Ninety-two steps in all from my cabin, through the green house and to the top where the meditation hall is. I make it around the grounds three times then go in to my cabin for a quick rest. I thought If I was to sit and meditate all day and simply sleep and eat, I better get some exercise.
Ding Dong, rest time is over and it is time to climb the ninety-two steps to Goenka. The meditation begins again in the same way, teachers float in, Goenka gurgles his chants and gives simple instructions for the mediation. I sit, I wiggle, I think, I breathe and I am taken away in the silence of the breath and then all of a sudden once again out of the silence Goenka gurgles his chant to end the meditation. We all float back to the dining hall for lunch. Soup, salad, chia seeds, olive oil, bread, tea all await. So good and I fill up once again, loving the crunch of chia seeds. I decided to apply a little olive oil very secretly to my face and neck, thinking this must be Grace’s beauty secret. Grace may have seen me, not sure, this was another form of minor entertainment for me. We had some time after eating to rest, go to the river, shower or what ever we feel we need to do. I didn’t rest, I power walked around the grounds and went to the river. The shower was cold and not inviting. Ding Dong meditation time again.
Here is the daily schedule for the ten long days. I showed this schedule to my daughter of 22 years at the time. “Mom,” she said, “ wow you get to mediate in your room, oh and then, wow, you get to group meditate in the hall. Then gee, you get to meditate in your room. Ok mom you have fun with that.” I had to laugh the sound of that made it seem all so crazy, why? For clarity and self-realization I would remind myself. There is no place I would rather go than with-in at that point in my life. What would my mind think? What would my heart feel?
4:00 am Morning wake-up bell
4:30 – 6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30 – 8:00 am Breakfast break
8:00 – 9:00 am Group meditation in hall
9:00 – 11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room
11:00 – 12 noon Lunch break
12:00 – 1:00 pm Rest & interview with the teacher
1:00 – 2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30 – 3:30 pm Group meditation in hall
3:30 – 5:00 pm Meditate in hall or in your room
5:00 – 6:00 pm Tea break
6:00 – 7:00 pm Group meditation in hall
7:00 – 8:15 pm Discourse with Goenka (Recording)
8:15 – 9:00 pm Group meditation in hall
9:00 – 9:30 pm Question time in hall if needed privately and quietly
9:30 pm Retire to your room; lights out
The days did blur together, I could not make account the feelings and awakening on each day, I was not allowed to journal. Believe me I was tempted, my journal sat in my bag waiting to be given a little attention. As I write this memoir after my Vipassana experience I do remember a few notorious moments and days.
Day 2 – 3 The seat next to me to the right at the dining hall was empty, the girl with the colorful high socks with a similar appearance to Where’s Waldo just disappeared. Where did she go? I never found out. Around that time the seat across from me at the dining table was empty as well. Perhaps its time for me to shower! The girls around me were vanishing into thin air. This also meant that the mattress on the floor in my cabin was now empty, so now I had the whole side of the cabin to my self and used the small mattress on the floor to do some stretching and headstands. I had the silly notion that standing on my head at least 5 minutes a day would reverse the aging process.
By day 4 – Morning meditation, I was feeling weak, bloated belly, dirty and feverish. I realized that this meditation stuff was exhausting. Perhaps the chia seeds were sprouting in my belly and I desperately needed to take a shower. So from this day forward I stopped going on my power walks. I think again the universe is telling me to be still, be quiet when the soles on my walking shoes fell off. I was also determined to find a shower with hot water. Down the hill from my cabin in one of the community showers I struck it rich and found hot water, but I had no shampoo, I packed two bottles of conditioner. I decided to rest at break time and I stopped eating chia seeds. I imagined a chia pet thriving in pit of my stomach.
I had feverish chills immediately upon a childhood awakening while in meditation. I saw my role in life from a different perspective. I saw a long time friend of my mother’s in a different light, I saw her as a dark force. I was exhausted from all of it; I found it difficult to sit erect in crossed legged posture or any posture for that matter. After breakfast on day 4, I was handed a note by one of the volunteers. Without my glasses, I could not read it. “The teacher would like to see you at break today,” the volunteer whispered. “Oh my, what did I do?” I wondered. Did I take too many pillows; did she see my grin at the butterfly on that girls nose? I then took this opportunity to ask for shampoo.
As I waited for my turn to go see the teacher, I sat quietly on a majestic rock out side in the sun. The cat jumped up on the rock with me and purred, I said “hey kitty, kitty.” I wondered if this is breaking the rules. Can one speak to the cat? I resisted patting the sweet little orange temptress. I sat there in both sad and joyful tears at all I have reflected on the past four days. Feeling feverish, sick, dirty and emotional, I entered the room where the teacher waits in perfect lotus posture on the sofa. I attempted my lotus posture on the floor pillow in front of her. I looked up with teary eyes I told her my realizations of my child hood and with my mom, her friend and my step dad. She assured me this is normal and gave me some shampoo. She actually called me in to suggest I go to the back of the room so I can lean against the wall for back support. It was clearly apparent that I could not sit still and was in pain sitting unsupported in lotus posture. My mediation contraption was of little help and to no avail I found I could not sit still. I dissembled my throne and build it once again along the back wall.
We had a few hours before the next meditation; I took a nice hot shower and shampooed my long over due locks. I went back to bed still feverish and weak. Ding dong, time for the meditation, I stumble up the ninety two steps still weak with fever and happy now to sit against the wall.
Each night after meditation we have a discourse where we go to the dining hall and sit and listen to a recording of Goenka and his wisdom. It was painful, on this particular night, I am exhausted and can barely hear him over the raging river. One more meditation and it is time for bed. That night I go through the sickness, sweat and shake profusely and awake feeling a little better. I also awoke with an itch in my hands that goes to the bone, it was an itch that I could not satisfy, I was going crazy.
Ding dong, it is 4 a.m. This morning’s meditation was focused on being aware of everything in the body and not responding. Feel an itch and not itch it, feel stiffness and not to rearrange your self. It will pass Goenka discusses, everything passes, its all temporary. Of course the morning when I have an unbearable itch to the bone is the morning he instructs not to react to the sensations of the body. I focused of the itch and with all my awareness and determination I watch it pass painfully and then in a matter of time and who knows how much time, the itch was gone. I did it! I watched the temptation to itch, to react and it passed. I felt alive and grateful.
The purpose of this technique I discovered is to raise awareness to what is going on around us and within us. It teaches us to choose to consciously respond and resist the temptation to react. It teaches us to observe and watch situations pass with no emotion or fear. No attachment and no expectation.
Can we choose to respond with conscious intention and not react with unconscious emotion? Is this possible in this world of so much stimulation? Can we act out of nobleness if someone does something out of ignorance or does something deliberately to hurt us? This would be a great achievement and one that apparently will bring about a sense of contentment and peace.
Day 5 – 9: A blur of peaceful contentment and relaxation. I have come to terms with my realizations of my past. The thoughts that came up were focused more on my relationship with my mother. I am also reminded of a past life regression session I had three years ago. I feel the aura of my biological father. I saw a past hurtful relationship delusional in nature with a measure of divine intervention; I am at peace with it. I was grateful for my relationship with my husband of twenty years and saw the dynamics that existed and came to peace with the divorce. I see its time to let go and sell my house, I design in my mind where and what I want to build next. When I sell my house I want to take two years of solitude to write “my book”. I felt my inspiration in my loving to write is due to feeling that I have been misunderstood most of my life. With writing I can express my self clearly. I feel content with the roll I have played as a mother to my children and I release worry about their future. I have faith in my future and know I will not grow old alone. All this deserves mention and certainly further explanation and some of it will have to wait for another time, another story.
In meditation we are instructed to observe the thoughts and not get carried away by them, bring our focus to the breath and scan the body with our awareness. Don’t think! It is said that it is easier to tame a herd of wild elephants than it is to train the mind. Sometimes in meditation when I could actually clear the mind, focus on the breath and scan the body with awareness an “Aha” moment would hit me. You know those moments when you come to some intense realization, “Aha!” Even later, after a meditation, and when I least expected it, “bang” I would get another hit of awareness, “Aha!” Meditation is like cleaning the chalkboard of your mind and then it is ready to receive again. I loved what I was feeling.
My mind went to, and I don’t know why, the Star Wars Movie. Even though I was never a big fan of star wars. I saw myself as Luke Skywalker, training to be a Jedi Warrior, who was led to Costa Rica by way of an illusion to procure the life force of wisdom and enlightenment. I was then to go back home to Cape Cod with this “life force”, where my mom lives and save her from the wrath of Darth Vader (Mom’s best friend). I then felt my biological father’s presence saying to me, “ go save my wife, your mother from her righteous ways, help her learn to live and truly laugh again.” I cried quietly sobbing like a small child finding out the family dog just died. I ask for a sign that I am not crazy hearing these words. As I stare out the window getting ready for the next meditation I see a beautiful toucan bird in a tree. Never have I seen this before or again. I took this as my sign that my father, who died when my mother was 7 months pregnant with me, has been forever present in spirit.
So what is this life force I was feeling? I believed it to be new perspective on life and its challenges. Behaviors I have adopted by way of suffering in the silence, asking for guidance and truly praying for clarity in all that is. A perspective that admits we are all human with faults and desires, and it all ok. I had adopted a perspective that allows detachment from our desires and freedom from expectations.
I saw nature at Yoda, as I sat by the river’s edge many days, many hours. Nature like Yoda can teach patience and detachment. I sat there just watching the turbulence of the water, the leaves and sticks flowing down river, letting go of attachment to what they were once apart of. I saw the river as one but ever changing. Like our human selves, we are one but ever changing. I saw my needs, attachments and desires as the leaves and sticks flowing down river. I saw the river as nourishing and destroying, mighty and gentle. Nature in the stillness was teaching me many things.
Goenka was Obi-Wan Kenobi the Jedi Master that helped train Luke to become a Jedi Warrior. To be a warrior one certainly must be in control of thoughts, emotions and reactions. Goenka was teaching just that. Where is my light saber? I was in total amusement while I sat in the quiet of nature.
Am I really prepared to go back home and relay to my mother what I feel is so critical for her to see? I see so clearly that with the coaching from her friend, she judges the actions of others. It has affected her relationship with my step dad, me and many other loved ones in her life. I wanted to go save my mom, I am Luke Sky Walker and with my light saber I will go back to Cape Cod and I will conquer the dark force.
I will deliver this message and it will be heard.
“Mother – It is none of our business what others do that is up to them and their creator. Let their karma be their karma.” All we have to do is follow the “keys” as put forth in the Yoga Sutras of Pantanjali.
- If some one is happy be friendly
- If someone is sad have compassion
- If someone is virtuous be grateful
- If someone is wicked practice indifference.
This leaves no room for judgment. I know I was to deliver my message with grace and if it fell on deaf ears I would detach from the outcome and just love, be joyful & happy. Namaste to me!
Many things would continue to surface as the days passed, the day’s concerns were not of a typical day. My mother was the main theme to my Vipassana experience. This surprised me; I thought perhaps my divorce or my leap of faith to move to a land I knew nothing of, or the challenges and suffering that went along with my leap would be the special feature. My mind also drifted to the occasional distraction of wondering how Jay was wearing her braid. One day she had 3 braids that was amusing. A lot of my attention was directed at my never-ending arrangement of my mighty throne of pillows and blankets. Each time I was to sit for the meditation, I would adjust and nestle like a cat getting ready to settle in for a nice long nap. At some point within the middle of the week, I chose to look at the ground all day, so not to be tempted to make the forbidden eye contact. I started recognizing people by their shoes and judging if I like the shoes or not. “Stop, Maryann, don’t judge the shoes, empty those thoughts, empty the mind,” a voice within whispered. “Ok, ok,” I whispered back.
I was very aware of the “buzz” in my head, the buzz that has been present seems ever since the time I chose to live “mindfully”. The buzz was still alive, but with a change in frequency and intensity during daily meditations. During the evening meditation the buzzing of the evening crickets drowned it out totally. It seems the cricket’s chirp was at the same frequency as my buzz. In every meditation Goenka reinforces the idea of everything passes. “So why”? I ask my self, “doesn’t this buzz ever present in my head just move on or stop?” I then saw the buzz as a river; a life flow in my body, changing and flowing yet is one as the buzz. I then imagined the buzz as a life force of energy running up and down my spinal center. “Aha! here is my light saber, the force within that Luke will focus on while going to face Darth Vader.” I thought. Ok yes, one might think I have lost my mind, but certainly was amusing during this time.
Focusing on the buzz actually assisted me in turning my attention inward. I no longer think of the buzz as a distraction. I notice with many thoughts the buzz gets stronger and with a quiet mind it gets softer. Is this my built in “mindfulness monitor”, an aid to turn inward when required? A doctor may say it could be tinnitus, a spiritual seeker may say it is the “Aum” vibrational sound of God and some may even say it is Aliens trying to reach me via radio frequency. All entertaining as for now, a built in “mindfulness monitor” works for me. A change in perspective is all that is needed sometimes to be at peace with what is.
Day 10 – The last day finally arrived and it was a bittersweet feeling. Ding dong – the silence ends.
Post Silence
The last meditation is over, Goenka gurgles his last chant and reminds us of “equanimity” (evenness of the mind in all situations) and all things shall pass. I packed up my throne and went quietly to my cabin. I was not ready to have communication with anyone. I wanted to hold onto all that I was feeling. I felt immense peace with not having to or wanting to communicate. I wanted to commune with my journal before anybody. The content of my writing is within these pages and am grateful I was able to capture the essence of my time.
It was time for lunch. How strange it was to enter the dining hall and hear so much chatter. Everyone was talking and hugging. Grace walked over to me and gave me a big hug, we hugged like old friends. We spent ten days next to each other never saying a word to each other and never making eye contact and yet the aura and energy transferred was so strong and beautiful. We shared stories and history and giggled about the olive oil. She has an ice cream factory in the southern part of Costa Rica. I chatted with many others and of course my “new” friend and roomy Tamya. We never did switch beds on day 5 there was no need to. Finally, I get to hug and talk with my dear friend Laney. We stayed up late that night talking in her “comfy” little adobe cabin and shared our moments. “I saw you pet that cat,” I said. “Aha, you did?” she laughed.
Right after lunch, Fay gets everyone singing some sort of Latin American song, stomping feet and swaying to beat the band. Braids now worn on both sides of her head, I just had to mention that. Typically I am the first to be the life of the party and here I have no interest and felt out of sorts with the merry making. We were just given permission to talk never mind sing. I found myself leaving and sitting quietly by the river saying good-bye.
So where does this leave me? I know all that has happened to me on this journey called life; I have chosen to take as a blessing. I wonder if one can really be in equanimity with all forms of pain, all forms of joy. To feel at peace with what ever happens. Goenka’s message is similar to what I have come to believe with my reading of the Yoga Sutras of Pantanjali and with my own experiences. Attachment is the cause of all suffering and expectations can lead to disappointment. I at this time have concluded, I am a consciousness occupying this body and just plan to be happy and joyful.
Its time to go, I gather up my eyeglasses, watch, Tinkerbelle, phone and wallet. I am now ready to face my world once again. I lug my suitcase up to Tamya’s car, a big SUV to take me home. No bus or hostel for me, I have my new friend to drive me. She is seated upon two pillows so she can see over the steering wheel and proceeded to light two sticks of Jon Palo essence and said a prayer for protection. Away I go to see what awaits me at home, where the jungle meets the ocean, after an exhausting and enlightening ten days of noble silence. May the force be with me!
My job as a Spiritual Life Coach is to guide you to find the answers you are seeking, believing each of us has the answers within. Many of us just need a little help and that is my job, a job I love.
“Good morning Costa Rica”, Peter and I bellow out in unison as my three huskies and one small dog with dreadlocks and an under bite, initiate the day with their loud, somewhat mystical howl. At the first signs of dawn, the neighborhood rooster triggers the howler monkeys that hang outside my bedroom window, they call out to wake the dead. One would think they are the size of a gorilla and actually they are the size of a large cat. The monkeys are the instigators that trigger the bewildering good morning howl of my canine quartet. This chain of events happens most mornings, as I greet the new day with anticipation.
My story will take you through rivers, mountains, meadows & valleys of many emotions that surface when one chooses transformation over stagnation. When one chooses to thrive on this journey we call life rather than to simply survive.