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My Dog Died

Last month my dog died. Or shall I say, “passed away”, “his spirit moved on” or “he left us”. It has always been a puzzle to me what is the proper term to say when someone or a beloved pet dies.   It seems so cold to say someone or something “died.” But isn’t that what did happen? The life gone signifies death, so yes, my dog died.

It was Moondog my big brown and white husky that died. He was a handsome dog with one blue and one brown eye. It was when he was laying on his side in pain that his one blue eye gave me a blank stare that pierced my heart. His stare was begging me to let him go, he wanted to die.

It is a mystery what actually happened that caused Mooddog to loose movement in his back legs. The five of us, his sister Gidget a white husky, uncle Yogi a black husky and little Lucy Lou, my sweet Chihuahua and myself all walked, as we usually do, down the beach to the Organic Market. I bought my weekly coconut water, fruits and vegetables. The dogs roamed in and out of the baskets of produce that lie upon the mats that are strewn upon the ground. Market day is a time when I remember where I really am, where the jungle meets the ocean and where life is simple and sweet.

It was time to walk back home along the beautiful white sand beach.  The other three dogs ran up to me and galloped down the beach. Moondog,  the leader of the pack,  could barely move and labored to get home.  This  was very concerning and strange. Moondog  usually would  run like a freight train towards his sister wrestling her to the ground or running full force towards another dog on the beach just to say hello. Of course the size of him and the rate at which he would greet the other dogs most often would scare the owners and the dog.   A happy day is when both owner and dog want to play and then Moondog is in his glory playing chase along the beach and thundering into the waves. This day there was no playing on the way home, no thundering into the waves, and had no interest licking Gidgets ears clean as he did every day. Something I always considered endearing yet gross! Moondog had all he could do to walk the half of kilometer home.

I called the Vet and told her his symptoms; she advised we give him prednisone. After three days of this he was able to move about very slowly, very slowly and somehow in the middle of the night he climbed the stairs to my room. I was surprised at this and yet thrilled he was able to climb the stairs. To no avail when he attempted to go down the stairs he fell down those darn stairs and never again was able to walk.

The next two weeks were painfully exhausting both physically, emotionally and mentally for me. With all attempts to figure out what was going on, taking blood tests and Xrays there was just no answer as to why this 80 kilo dog could not move. Each day I had to lift him off his urine soaked towels with the help of a friend who thankfully was staying at the house. Lifting Moondog would initiate a heartbreaking howl of pain as I lay him down on a freshly laundered towel and yoga mat. He was on prednisone, painkillers and intravenous fluids. I did everything I could to prevent bedsores and keep him nourished and hydrated. I made him chicken soup, learned how to put in an IV needle and picked up and heaved his heavy body 6 times or more a day. The great thing about living in an ole house on the beach where there are no windows, doors or even a wall on the beach side is I could give Moondog a bath right there is the living room and it didn’t matter. With all the love I could muster up and all the efforts it just wasn’t enough it was time for him to go.

His one blue eye said it all, it was blank and it pierced my heart. At this point he was urinating thick viscous blood, another tell tale sign that the end was near. I called the vet to come and euthanize him. Gidget and Yogi were lying in the background while the vet injected the deathly serum. His eye was fixed on mine as I held his paw with one hand and his heart with the other. His eye rolled back and closed as I felt his heart just stop. My Moondog, my once precious little puppy with floppy ears and my best friend was dead.

I was alone with my lifeless Moondog in this big ole house for 2 hours. As I waited for the men that worked on the property to dig the hole for his grave, I covered his body with a sheet and cried. Gidget and Yogi were now off in secret corners of the house and had no interest in coming to the living room. I hugged each of them burying my face in their fur and crying even more. The hole was dug and the two workers and myself lugged Moondog in a sheet over the river in front of the house to the gravesite. It was me, just me and the two workers, I barely knew, to bury my beloved pet. I felt so very alone.  I gathered all my strength and shoveled the dirt over his body, I shoveled and I cried, I cried until there were no more tears and the grave was filled.

So yes my dog died. His spirit left us, he kicked the bucket or went onto greener pastures.   However you want to say it, when life is gone out of a body that life, as we know it died. I read somewhere in the “holy scriptures,”  that the body is a cage that houses our souls and when it is gone our souls are set free, liberated from the pain and suffering and from the bondage of earthly desires. Grieve as we will, cry the tears and let go as we should knowing that it’s all-divine and its all ok.

This was the death of my dog, and to this day I am void of having to face the death of a human loved one. I don’t know how I will feel and I cant even pretend to know.   My hope is that I will be graced with the divine guidance to to understand and to accept what will be.

In memory of Moondog, I share with you two poems–

MOONDOGGIE
Sloppy kisses is what you gave 
Loving to gallop into the wave
Gidget’s ears clean as a whistle
Brotherly love since you were little
The dogs on the beach will miss the scare
By my side you were always there
In my heart you will remain
As I walk the beach
I imagine you again

 

NEVER FORGOTTON
As death is a part of life, so is Joy
Let this fill our hearts forever more
Always missed and never forgotten
Your spirit if free and your body rotten
Yesterday a time of grievance for my dog is gone
I release the sadness at the break of a new dawn
Today I rejoice in the glory of a new day
I have two huskies and a Chihuahua that want to play

 Aum-en

 

 

 

 

 

I wrote this at a time when I knew I gave all I had to a very special relationship.  There was no more to give and the lessons were learned.  I knew in my heart I could move forward, liberated from all karma debts.  It was time to nail that last nail.

She remembered who she was and the game changed……….

THE LAST NAIL IN THE COFFIN

Is this truly the last nail?
Long and tiresome this task has been.
This box was built slowly and now it is complete.
Shall one build a coffin when there are signs of life,
Signs of hope and eternal happiness.

The construction halted many times for there was hope.
Construction commences with loss of hope.
Lack of trust and respect, the hammer taps away.
Construction slow, very slow for the builder she is tired, is weak, is wrought with sorrow and fear.
The builder has clouded vision.
Care of self is crucial in this construction.
The task is great, the wood is hard.

Intuition speaks, there is a knowing.
Build this box the voice of intuition whispers.
Love your self with your whole heart.
The builder must be quiet to hear and know with out a doubt,
The box must be built the final and last nail must be nailed.

Don’t share your sorrow, It is for the soul of self.
The ones with a bright aura  know the sorrow is for your personal growth.
Ones with darker hues will feed off the drama and serves no purpose.

Restored health & vigor.
No more doubt, no more fear.
Trust with the coffin deep in the earth,
There is new birth

Clear is the vision –
The last nail is driven.

by: Madyan River
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Practicing Loving Kindness –

Has anyone ever ¨ got your goat?” Sometimes my goat use to feel so beat up, if she were of this world she would be limping along with a broken leg and two black eyes.

I am referring to how other people can often get on your nerves, annoy you and rob you of your “happy place.”  Where I come from we would allude to this as “getting your goat,” and would often say ¨Darn, she got my goat again.” This “goat getter” can be a stranger in the road or  in the supermarket. The most infamous “goat getters” are often our beloved family members.  

You are standing in line at the grocery store with one item, perhaps a simple bottle of water? The lady in front of you has a cart full of groceries. She glances right around you and even through you. She proceeds to empty her cart on the counter, which seems to take forever. Now you think would it have been a nice gesture for her to let you go ahead of her. Well she doesn’t! What do you do? Do you feel anger towards her?  How about the guy who cuts you off the road? Do you give him the power to ruin your moment or even your whole day? Do you flip him the infamous middle finger, because that helps! Truth be known treating rude actions with rudeness  is just plain rude!

I live in a surf town in Costa Rica,  where the roads are mostly dirt and where tourists and travelers love to explore. Many times as I ride my motorcycle or bicycle along the dirt roads with my chihuahua riding shot gun on the gas tank of the motorcycle or in the basket of the bike, along comes a “rude” tourist traveling at speeds much to fast for jungle dirt roads.  Kicking up dust in his wake fogging my dog and me with enough dust to choke a goat.  Oh many times, I would be tempted  to yell obscenities. Then I ask myself –   what good would loosing my dignity do?   They wouldn’t hear me anyways and all it would do would rob me from feeling any sense of joy.   I instead choose to practice loving kindness within being aware of the “trigger” and secretly hope the rare presence of the traffic police may stop them in their tracks.  I let it go! And proceed merrily on my way down the beautiful roads where monkeys hang from trees and horses roam freely.

Intention is a very important aspect here.  Ask your self did the person who just “got your goat” or in other words who just  “pissed you off,” do it intentionally, unintentionally or jokingly.  Intent is a very important factor and defines the character of the person.  Knowing their character helps you decide weather you want to include them in your life or simply let them go.  If the offense was unintentional, keep them around, forgiveness is a mighty virtue and will serve you well in the long run.  If they were  joking then perhaps they just need to be told nicely that your simply don’t appreciate their sense of humor.  If the offender was  downright rude and intentional then it may be prudent to practice indifference with forgiveness and walk away quickly.

I have come to the conclusion that we must have compassion for the self centered unthoughtful people that intentionally try to irritate you and that perhaps some day they will know better!

How lovely it would be  if we could show loving  kindness, send good vibes and smile instead of responding with the same negative energy the thoughtless unkind people are projecting.   You could also say a prayer for them  if you’re so inclined or if you’re of a spiritual vibe send some love and light.  Some just need a little more help than others on this life  journey.  Responding from a centered place within yourself and with a loving yet “don’t mess with me,” kindness will  give rise to your own feeling of peace and perhaps will help others be more compassionate, aware and thoughtful.   Truth is –  it really doesn’t matter what others do or how they  respond, it only matters how we are.

“We can not control the actions of others we can only control how we respond.”

So, I urge you to consider responding out of a place of love the next time some one “gets your goat,” or makes your goat “crazy,”

What matters is the joy you feel inside amongst the living.  To be joyful here on earth is heaven on earth.  Avoid the temptation to respond with hate and anger,  because when you do  you have reinforced the negative behavior and, I can guarantee, you too will feel hate, anger and even guilt and nobody wins!

A Guru is a great teacher and one who may reveal to you the light from out of the darkness.  I like to think of the “ goat getters” as my Guru and I thank them.  If I choose to I can see the light out of the darkness of their ignorance. Through them I have learned how to control my emotions, I have seen my need to please and through them I became aware of  my silly expectations.  I can and may become enlightened because of them.  However, a true guru’s objective  is to teach you about your self. Our “goat getter’s” objective is nothing more than to annoy and agitate you, and they are only our teachers if we choose to see them from that perspective and learn.

Our loved ones can be the biggest “goat getters” of them all, here our goat could be in a full body cast. And because our loved ones “love” us so much, they will then want to sign the cast with hearts and with XOXO’s. It is evident that the more we care about someone the more we want to change him or her in our image.   Is it because in our “semi” warped minds, we feel our image of what is best is the only way to be?  Truth is we don’t know what is best for ourselves half the time.  How is it possible to know what is best for others?

Our loved ones get our goats because they simply care and we care about them.  All this caring creates a tactic for control.  We typically control when we don’t trust.  This  lack of trust leads to control and control equals resentment.  It is a vicious cycle!  Bottom line – Give loving advise, then trust and let go.  Is it not through our own experiences of life do we learn?  It would be wise to let the ones you love experience life as their own.

Once upon a time there was nothing I could do or say that would change the perception of someone that was near and dear to me.  I was needing, so desperately, their approval.  Their perception of my intentions was so very distorted.  And because I was attached to the need for approval, I felt hurt, angry, frustrated etc.  I had to do something to save my poor little “goat,” I was overwhelmed with sadness of the situation.

Living here where the jungle meets the ocean provides me with the precious alone time of walking on the beach and floating in the tide pools.  It was floating in the quiet stillness of the tide pools one morning  that I had what I refer to as an “Aha” moment.  “Aha” I know what my intentions are and I realized – that what I know to be my truth is all that really matters.  I then knew that  all I had to do was to send love, light, have compassion, expect nothing more than what others are capable of  and  most of all be happy and joyful.    I chose to protect my goat and not to be angry or resentful and just love.  My livestock were leaping for joy and I had been liberated. Liberated from the darkness of negative thoughts and feelings.   I knew my intentions were pure and that my goat was now safe and happy.

Thank you to all the “goat getters” out there and  may the light of love shine within you and may your goats jump with JOY!

A ceremony that changed my life and my perspective on suffering and also of sweating.

When I was living in New England, I had never heard of a Temazcal, so when I was invited to a ceremony, I had no idea what it was or what to expect. Now living in Central America I have attended four of these ceremonies and all but one proved to be cleansing in mind, body and spirit.

Let me first explain what it is for those of you who are not familiar with it.
A Temazcal ([temasˈkal]) is a sweat lodge which originated with pre-Hispanic Indigenous peoples in Mesoamerica. The word temazcal comes from the Nahuatl word temāzcalli [temaːsˈkalːi] (“house of heat”), or possibly from the Aztec teme (to bathe) and calli (house).

The structure can be permanent usually made of volcanic rock or cement, or it can also be semi-permanent made with bamboo stakes and A large canvas tarp. It is typically always a dome structure, its highest point may be 4 ft and allows for no standing room. One must crawl on one’s hands and knees over blankets and dirt to take one’s place in the circle. In the middle of the structure, there is a pit that is dug to hold the hot “grandmother” stones as they are referred to by the Shamen. The “grandmother” stones are first heated outside the dome in the burning “grandfather fire.” When the stones are red hot they are carried with a shovel,very carefully, and placed into the pit inside the dome, where, the master of ceremonies or Shaman pours water infused with the healing herbs of copal and sage over the stones to create wafts of steam and immense heat.

The actual ceremony typically involves four rounds of “purification,” each round taking approximately 30 minutes. At the beginning of each round, a new set of “grandmother” stones are brought in to replace the stones that have cooled down. The dome is also referred to as the “womb”, the feeling of a “new birth” literally to be “born again”. In the heat and the darkness, the Shaman leads the chants while other participants shake medicine rattles and bang on drums.

In ancient Mesoamerica this was used as part of a curative ceremony thought to purify the body after exertion such as after a battle, or a ceremonial ball game. It was also used for healing the sick, improving health, and for women before they gave birth. It continues to be used today in Indigenous cultures of Mexico and Central America that were part of the ancient Mesoamerican region for spiritual and health reasons. It is now being adopted by many sectors of society in Mexico and Central America and is used as a means to cleanse the mind, body and spirit.

I did mentioned in my opening paragraph that all but one ceremony had proved to be cleansing. I say this because at the second ceremony I attended I was not allowed to enter. I arrived early with a friend who lets just say I dragged to the ceremony. She was not excited or interested in sweating in search of her soul or anything for that matter. As we were sitting there waiting for the ceremony to begin and to enter the “torture chamber”, as my friend put it, a lovely woman with a gypsy type red skirt approached me and asked me if I was on my moon cycle. I looked at my friend in dismay and whispered “what is a moon cycle?” My friend shrugged her shoulders, suggesting she had no idea. “Do you have your period?” the woman asked. “Yes, I just started today.” She proceeded to take my hand and lead me over to the grandfather fire, and told me to sit next to her. She took out a big bag of tobacco and little red square pieces of cloth with a string. Pinching the tobacco and placing it in the red pieces cloth, she then tied them with the string. She continued this until twelve pouches of tobacco were tied up. The twelve pouches were then added to a longer piece of string making a long line of tobacco pouches. She then put her arms around me and tied this contraption to my waist. I was now sporting a “I have my period and I want the world to know belt.” My friend was in hysterics as was I. The woman said to me “this will protect the others from your energy, your stuff is not their stuff.” I guessed being on your “moon cycle” one acquires “stuff”.

We all lined up to enter the ceremony, I was pulled out of line, I was told I could not enter. I guess the belt gave it away! My friend being urged to enter looked at me as if she wanted to wring my neck. She lowered her self to the ground and crawled in on hands and knees and was gone into the darkness of the “womb”. Here I was the one wanting to feel the purifying effects of the ceremony and I was the one sitting out in the cool fresh night air under the stars.

There were four other woman who were apparently on their moon cycle too! I was told by one of the woman that it is a blessing that the universe bestowed upon me my moon cycle at this time. “This is a time of special energy and can be called upon with the sacred tobacco ceremony,” she said. We had a ceremony of sorts out by the grandfather fire, a ceremony that included smoking sacred tobacco rolled our of cornhusks like a big fat “stogie”. We puffed three times to the north, we puffed to the south, east and west while chanting some words, I had no idea what they meant. Nonetheless, it was pretty magical and even though I wasn’t feeling the cleansing of the purifying ceremony going on in the dome, my time with the other “moon sisters” puffing on sacred tobacco was mystical and spiritually up lifting.

From where I sat, I could hear the cries of a baby from inside the dome and I witnessed participants emerging from the ceremony being sick. I was concerned for the baby and for the purging people. The woman who led the tobacco ceremony assured me in her wisdom like tone,
“Dear, its ok, the baby’s mother knows her child is fine and that the cries signifies life,it signifies rebirthing, for the temazcal symbolizes the uterus where life is created. In the dark and in the unknown the cries are life.” She continued, “as for the people vomiting this also is a blessing, they are releasing the toxins, it is a time for renewal.” There you have it, a total new perspective on crying babies and vomiting people, its all a blessing!

I was wondering how my friend was enduring not only the sweltering heat and chants but also of the cries of a the baby. Soon, in the darkness and through the smoke, I saw a woman’s body staggering towards me. It was my friend, she had dug her way out and under the tarps. The Shaman would not allow her to exit until the next round. My friend had had enough and instead of waiting for the “birth” to be released from the ceremony, she performed a “C” section, and dug her way out.

My sweaty dirty friend now joined the “moon sisters,” and was happy to be sitting round the fire smoking the sacred tobacco and thanking the great spirits that she got the “hell out of there!”

This ceremony is surely sacred and purifying, but it is not for everybody. You have to be ready to purge the old and bring in the new. We all come to our own spirituality in different ways and as one way works for one, it does not work for another. Spirituality is personal and you and you alone are the only one to know what works for you.

If you ever have the chance to attend a Temazcal Ceremony, I highly recommend it if you feel ready to release old beliefs and habits. You too may find, like I did that a Temazcal is a blessing rather than a misery.

After one of the ceremonies I attended I wrote this. I was ready and I was blessed!

New Years Day 2016

“I release all toxins in my life both in substance and human form. I release all negative energy while I move into the New Year with positive energy. I choose to manifest well being, abundance, prosperity and joy.”

I uttered these words during the Temazcal last night. A purifying ceremony on the top of the mountain held in a bamboo structure, Only big enough to crawl into and to sit cross legged or in prone positiion. Four rounds of steaming hot stones with copal water was poured on top to fill the fire with the essence of healing. The door closed on the dark and steamy interior and with each pour of of copal, the small crowded dome would heat to a blustering intensity. My body became a sponge, sopping with sweat, dripping, I brushed up against the girl next to me. My Emotions and desires felt as if they were being burned away like a leaf pile on an autumn day, to be gone forever. I lay on the ground in utter exhaustion, half on my sarong half in the dirt, I was a sweaty and muddy grateful mess. I felt the intensity of the heat, the intensity of the purifying energy of drumming, of rattles and mesmerizing chanting. My body, my mind, my spirit released the senseless desires that I had housed for way too long.

After two hours and four rounds of grandmother stones , I was allowed to emerge. To be reborn from the ¨womb,¨ out into the fresh and cool night air. On hands and knees I crawled to the door and was met with a man holding a pot of simmering copal to finalize the purification. I stumbled to my feet, swaying to and fro, drunk with gratitude and THE joy of releasing all that did not serve my higher self. Tears filled my eyes, and a sweaty, dirt bound mess, I stared up at the night sky and thanked the universe, I thanked God, I thanked all the energies that had watched over me and haD listened to the cries of my soul. The star constellation of Orion’s belt was there to greet me, to make me feel at home . I stretched my arms up to the sky to embrace the moment and Orion.
Many chose to go the showers right away. I wanted to hold onto the feeling; I was not ready to come out of MY blissful, grateful state of oneness with the universe. I wanted to hold onto the sweat and the mud as if it were my armor of purification.

I uttered the following words again and again ” I release all toxins in my life both in substance and human form. I release all negative energy while I move into the New Year with positive energy. I choose to manifest well being, abundance, prosperity and joy.

Namaste
Maryann